"Tell me you would like girls like me better, in the dark lying on top of you"

How to even begin, to post up something so very very hurtful? A repeated mistake, an issue of trust, respect, adoration and a level just above friendship? How do I even discuss or map out an issue that lacks explanation and thorough understanding. How the fuck to even start?

I can't just tell you the basics, because there are none. There is nothing basic about what I'm feeling at the moment. The solutions to my problems are very basic, but true to the old saying, everything is easier said than done.

I am so very comfortable here at home. I love knowing where everything is, having my tea, all of my complex carbohydrates and my bed and television. Strange, how my most constant complaint is that I never leave this household, and after weeks of isolation, after one excursion to the outside, I never want to pass it's threshold again. I want to rot inside it's walls for eternity. Although, in a weeks time, I will be complaining again.

Even as I am typing this I am contradicting myself. Because I want to jet off to Edmonton, go home, and be around some TRULY familliar faces and surroundings, people who won't take me for granted, people who know me, and sense my every feeling and thought. It had gotten to the point with my friends, that our situation was self propelling. There were no questions asked, things just happend. And people knew exactly what I expected of them. And what was expected of me.

I guess there is no way of turning people into what you want them to be. Just like there is no way of making people understand you in this god damn province. There is no way for me to make it understood that all I really want is to be needed, desired and held dear to someone.

Sure okay, I understand the words "you're my friend, I care about you" yes. But I don't think you understand the way in which I wish you to carry our relationship. I want the respect to come from actions. Because to be honest, up to this point in my life, almost all words were lies in compared to actions. Maybe people regard respect in a completley diffrent way than I do.

Specific examples? fine. If I'm fucking you, you had better make it damn sure that I am it. That you aren't fucking any side girls within weeks of seeing me. I don't care if it was just a fuck, and you don't care for her. I don't give a shit. Honest. I can't stand it that just litterally a week before me, you picked up some hoebag, fucked her a left. Because lying there beside you, all I could hear was her voice. I felt I was being compared, under appreciated and cheap. I felt like I was as unimportant as her. I felt I was a piece of ass. I'm so tired of being the meat.

To hold out for someone, in anticipation for thier arrival. Anticipation to share something beautiful. To me, that displays the uttermost repect and affection. It means you take into consideration my jealousy problem. That no other person is going to take my place or match up to me.

I don't ask that you maintain a vow of celebacy or that you remain mine forever. I ask that you take me for what I am and SHOW me what I mean to you.

Actually, scratch that last one. Because the fact of the matter is, I'm done. No stranger will lie in the same bed as me ever again. I don't mean stranger as in a person I only just meant. I mean a stranger to commitment. I hate waiting. But if that's what it's going to take. I'm going to try my darndest to uphold my decision.

I have had the opportuinity to gain a commited person in my life. More than once actually. But I left, for the lies of another and false hopes. False hopes are what I live by, somehow it almost seems if I follow and give in to hope. I'm almost following a dream. The tangible is never enough for me.

That's why I always end up in the situation where I am going against everything I believe. Because I will settle for all the wrong things and I am willing to sacrifice my own dignity if I think it will achieve my dreams and hopes.

I've always associated sex with love. It's an immediate, uncontrollable association. I give myself up in the hopes that someday, he will love me. I always hope too much. Because it never happens, those who end up loving me, never love me BECAUSE of the sex. That's not what I want. But yet, thats what I promote.

I trust all too easily. I trust that if I give them myself. That they'll see it like I do. Not just sex, but something more. A display of my affections. Only twice has sex ever been special for me. Once, we were both in love.. The other, I was in love, and hoping it was the same. All other times, I have my doubts. They make me nervous, I can't sleep. I simply lie awake next to the person, In complete and utter fear. Not knowing the outcome of my actions. Afraid of what was to come.

Being alone is what I dread most. And at this rate, im dying alone.

The other night, I dreampt of my funeral and awoke in tears. I dreampt the only person in the entire place was my little brother. My parents dead, no husband, only a brother who loves me. And as stupid or dreamlike as that may seem, It's unfrotunatley so real to me. Real because in a sense it's what I want. I want to be alone. I'm moving to another city, so I can start over. Without any of my present stressers. But I know that being so lonley comes with a cost. I would eat away at myself, I would need love as badly as I do now. Only it would be intensified by having no friendship either. It's hard enough for me to maintain pleutonic frienship here... I can't imagine trying to maintain anything while I'm fending for myself in University.

I've exhausted every bit of faith I had left in myself. I'm confident that I have no confidence.

I am tired of relying on substance to distract myself from my problems, to make social situations easier. I find myself thinking in the present moment, oh, wouldn't it be great to be so high I dont even know who I am anymore. But I need to focus on fixing my problems. Adults are forced to figure shit out. (all those i look up to at least). I don't want these problems when I'm an adult. So I need to learn to deal now. But I cannot deal, when I'm pushing aside, escaping. Substance allows me to do so. I also loose any will power or self respect when under any infulence. It's detrimental to me and everyone around me. I act like an ass. I become violent at times, or I say things to harm others. I really would like to be able to maintain some kind of self respect, and have others respect me.

How can I maintain my number one ethical marker. The number one thing that I hold true to myself and others. The only thing to me that matters more than respect to me is my family. And my views on family tie right into respect. I do everything for my family. I'm considering making my choice for myself, for them and my friends.

Most of you reading this know exactly which choice I am talking about. A choice for life. A choice that takes dedication and determination. I want to be a person who can stand up and say "I fight for what's important to me, I am not flimsy or self absorbed like you. My life, is what I want it to be. And I will hold myself a better person because of the choices I make. I save myself and everyone I care about from all the negatives that come from substance abuse and harmful actions. I am my own person."

But by claiming edge, I know it's a lifelong commitment. And I have SO MUCH respect for the straight edge communtiy that I could never insult them by breaking edge one day. That's something I could never do. I would be spitting on what they work so hard to accomplish. What they hold dear and important. I spit on the way they live thier lives by not respecting the commitment.

I want something out of my life, I want my life, my families lives, my friends lives and everything I hold dear to be my main concern, Not the self detrimental and self destructive practices I have.

The decision is close to made. I told myself this weekend is the test, get drunk, get high, fuck a friend and see if it's controllable, see if substance is something you can do, see if being promiscuous is something your heart can handle. And I've found that its not. I can't do this anymore.

This may be it for me. I know in which manner I want to conduct myself. The question is, can I uphold it. And can I do it without being doubted by others?

"My dying prayer, sealed in a scream
Unwelcome, and a conscious dream
I am your whore, without a name
I climb to fall, to begin again, to begin again
I climb to fall, suffer, hatred, deceit and pain
Anger, regret, loving in vain"